Complete in Yourself

So I’ve heard a lot about belonging lately. The sense of belonging is the second or third step in most development ladders - right after the need for food, water and shelter. What is it to truly belong and why does it feel so bad when we don’t think we belong anywhere?

I recently started reading Brene Brown’s book Braving the Wilderness and she references a quote by Dr. Maya Angelou:

You only are free when you realize you belong no place – you belong every place – no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.

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This quote infuriated Brene, me, and I’m sure all sorts of readers out there. It just seems so indefinite. An answer that still only leads to more questions. But today I experienced what this means. I come from a family that had no locks on their bedroom doors. We’re used to having complete open access to one another. We knew who we were because we belong to each other.

The siblings hold that title proudly, obnoxiously sometimes, and when we all get together with the strength of our parents, we have something totally untainted by the nightmares this world possesses. Our family bond and love have always been our greatest strengths.

The thing is, greatest strengths can also be crippling weaknesses. This was the case for me. Not because any family members sought out to do wrong by me - No. Not that at all. I really have one of the most loving families anyone could ever hope for. The damage for me was understanding how to create healthy boundaries for what Wendi with an “i” needed, wanted and desired. It was easy to be so safe in the belonging of our family that I had no words for myself.

Living in a house with no locks made it easy to not quite understand where I began and ended. I couldn’t quite pen who I was without relation to my family. Later I found that I couldn’t quite pen who Wendi was without relation to other groups like social friends or professional cadres. I was always loved by all my circles and I used my voice for the team, often times abandoning the effort needed to complete my own goals. I didn’t know how to use my voice for me.

When you find your safety in the groups you belong to, it really gets hard to start choosing yourself without feeling guilty. It’s so pervasive how this guilt of investing time and energy into yourself will creep up on you and strangle your motivation to move your dreams forward. All in a desperate attempt to be liked and loved.

I Am Wendi with an I

During my recovery from cancer, I realized that the fear of not being liked and accepted had taken over my life. I’d also allowed past failures to become the ghosts robbing me of present joy and future possibilities. I knew that I had to reclaim my place in this world if I wanted to be totally well. I had to recognize the person I was the hardest on and gave the least attention to, myself.

The concept of finding myself through I Am Wendi with an I literally started at the dining room table in the Glendale House - the home I grew up in. The table that Mom and Dad had served nourishing food all my years was now serving me a rekindled hope in ME and I was ready to dig in.

It’s scary when you don’t realize the truth and depth of Maya’s words. We belong to ourselves, both everywhere and no where. My restoration and healing began in the same space I learned to lose it, and it was because my outlook had changed.

I realized that me, myself, and I is enough. I’m surrounded by love and understanding. I saved my life from the lie that if I don’t comply with every family or friendly request, I’ll be left or forgotten. I cannot be forgotten if I remember who I am. And in true full circle nature, giving yourself love means you’ll give that to others.

It is human to feel afraid of not belonging. Being a part of a tribe is an essential piece towards self actualization. But it is important to remember the truth. And to remember everyone around you is learning to build themselves and belong everywhere and no where just like you.